words clog my throat
like
urban gridlock -
nowhere to go
their exit, your ears
but you aren't here
i scream them into the air
releasing them into the world
but they come back -
because they belong to you
and so in a sea of unspoken words
i drown
in a tumultuous ocean of
words that are
refugees of emotion
vagrants of feeling
looking for their home
i drown
i lie shivering
under a mountain of blankets
trying to kill the cold
a cold that doesn't permeate from
the without
rather
a cold that radiates from
the within
a cold that fills the
space you used to take
solidifying my soul into
crystalline glass that
i know
you will shatter
when you come back
to me
It's so rare these days that not only does a band rock, but they are also incredibly profound while doing so. The Fray rocks this concept. Their album, "How to Save a Life" does both. I can't even begin to fully explain how much this album has helped me through this tumultuous past year. It has been as is if they read my deepest, darkest thoughts and put them to music. They have so much thought, so much meaning, and such a depth to their music. Truly inspiring!
*Nothing beats the feeling of sliding your feet into new socks. Nothing. And I don't mean socks that just got washed...I mean never worn, fresh from the package socks.
*What's with boys in really skinny jeans? I mean seriously. IT'S NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR YOU. It wasn't a good look back in the early 90s, either.
*People who pronounce Nevada Nev-AH-da drive me insane. There is no reason to be all pretentious. The only things anyone likes in Nevada are Reno & Vegas anyways. There are reasons that nuclear tests have been performed there.
*Uggs are ugly. Especially with shorts. They're meant to be a winter shoe, people. If it's warm enough for shorts, it's not cold enough for Uggs. Work on that.
*I love Vh1. No really. Who else is bringing us the 100 Greatest Songs of the 80s and 40 Greatest Metal Songs? NO ONE. God bless you, Vh1. Keep 'em coming!
*I played the flute in elementary school. My friend Brianne and I learned more songs than anyone in our class and were so proud of ourselves. One day our teacher insinuated that we weren't any good. So we quit. LOL That totally showed her.
*I've always dabbled in writing. When I was 10, I started a children's picture book series. Then when I was 11 I started writing my "Parent's Guide to Children's Literature". I'm pretty sure I still have those manuscripts around somewhere.
*Toad the Wet Sprocket was one of the most underrated bands of the 90s. I love them, and I still rock out to them on my iPod. Ahhh, the good old days of alternative....
*Adults who wear Looney Tunes or other cartoon-related clothing and/or gear disturb me. It's not cool people. So not cool. Please stop.
*I'm way unashamed of my eclectic musical tastes. I still rock out to New Kids on the Block when the mood so strikes me. Like today in the dark room. It's been suggested by some of the other photo students that something is not right with me. Sounds like jealousy to me!
*I've been able to buy booze since I was 17. We found a lovely convenience store clerk who rarely, if ever, checked IDs. Good ol' Paco. One day Paco wasn't at the counter anymore. I'm guessing he got fired. LOL I can't imagine why that might be....
*I first started reading Shakespeare in the 3rd grade. My teacher had me read it since I was classified as "gifted", and I read through all the chapter books in the classroom in record time. She was somewhat disappointed that I could read and comprehend Shakespeare in record time, too.
*I'm working on rediscovering myself. Maybe I might be able to like myself after all. I just have to find me first.
*21 Jumpstreet really was an excellent show. I've spent the past few nights at work working my way through the series on DVD again. It makes me so sad that it was cancelled. Watching it has almost made me like Richard Grieco. Almost.
*I'm way in love with The Fray right now. Their album has spoke to my soul and guided me through some troubled times. I would love to meet them.
*My iPod and iTunes are anal-retentively organized. No. Really. If my life were even HALF as organized as they are, I'd be President of the United States. Canada, too. Simultaneously.
*I'm still determined that I will teach myself French. To that end I found a lovely podcast intending to teach beginners like me how to speak French. C'est magnifique! I'll be able to parlez Francais with the best of them in no time at all.
*I've finally figured out the fascination with the text message - because I can sit in class and still talk to people, yet still look interested in the lecture! I'm guessing that this will not work in the Chemistry lab next semester.
*My Alex is better than your Alex. Hands down. My Elli is better than yours, too. Duh.
*If I hear one more person tell me that "Jesus is the reason for the season", I just might go homicidal. In the immortal words of Bill Lumburgh, "Ummm, yeaaaah....I'm going to have to go ahead and disagree with you on that one..." Jesus may be the inspiration for the holiday, but the reason for the winter season has more to do with weather patterns and positioning of the globe and such. But thanks for trying to hijack something else to try and convince me to join your religion.
*My new great love is drum and bass music. Alex got me way hooked on it, and now I compulsively check iTunes to see if there is a new Hospital Records podcast that I can download.
*Take delight in the little things: laying in bed after you wake up and watching cartoons while you snuggle in your still-warm sheets, stopping and buying a lemonade from the little kid with the stand down the street, blow on a dandelion and make a wish without thinking about how you're spreading weeds.
*Is anyone else with me in thinking that Kevin Federline hasn't really sold 10,000 albums? I'm putting money on the idea that he sold 4 albums...and 9,996 albums to himself. Paid for with Britney's money.
*Being undermedicated has left me with a hair trigger. It doesn't take much to set me off these days. My biggest pet peeve at the moment? People who don't know how to drive. Especially in any weather other than sun. Good god. How is it that all these morons around here drive 80 mph on snow and ice through BLIZZARDS (and I ain't talkin' Dairy Queen there, kids), yet when it rains we are all doing 25 mph? Idgits. I'm surrounded by idgits.
*Whoever came up with the idea to put entire seasons of television shows on DVD was a freakin' genius. As a household, we have: All 5 seasons of 21 Jumpstreet, 2 seasons of Friends, 3 seasons of Will & Grace, 1 season of Dharma & Greg, 3 seasons of Full House, 8 seasons of the Simpsons, 2 seasons of Laguna Beach, 1 season of Charlie's Angels, 3 seasons of The Brady Bunch, 6 seasons of South Park, 1 season of Emergency!, 1 season of Dukes of Hazzard, 4 seasons of Family Guy, 1 season of Ren & Stimpy, 1 season of Tales From the Crypt, 1 season of The Muppet Show, 1 season of Punky Brewster, and 1 season of Spongebob Squarepants. Now they just need to get on releasing C.H.i.P.s. on DVD and I'll be thrilled.
*There's not much I dislike more than dealing with Jesus' pimps. I know it seems like I am "down" on religion, but that isn't exactly the case. If you have a religion that you believe in - great. More power to you, but leave me out of it. I don't want to be converted, I don't need to be saved, and we will never see eye-to-eye.
*Deodorant is one of those must have everyday things for me...and I wish that more people that I have classes with would find that as an essential item as well. The dark room isn't big enough for all of us plus your...ummmm...delightful scent.
*I follow astrology. No, that doesn't make me a whack job. If you actually read about it (and not just magazine horoscopes), it's eerily accurate.
*Gift giving holidays bring out the worst in my patience. I'm always so excited to see people open their gifts and to be able to see and feel the joy that I have been able to bring them that I can never wait to give them their presents! LOL Last year, I gave Matt one of his presents in October!
*On this season of Survivor, the longer the game went on, the hotter Ozzy got. He wasn't nearly as hot at the reunion show when he had put the weight he had lost back on. Does it make me a bad person that I wish he were still slightly emaciated?
*I don't do the whole "pee in the woods" thing. Yeahhh...it ain't happening. Therefore, when I camp I go to campgrounds that at have some rudimentary form of a bathroom.
*I also don't like to swim in bodies of water that I can't see through, i.e. - lakes and rivers and such. Sorry. I prefer to see what I'm swimming with, thanks!
*Ever since I was a kid I've wanted to be able to stop and start time like Evie on the television show out of this world.
*I can't sleep very well unless the door to the room is at least most of the way closed. And if it gets opened while I'm asleep? I'll wake up. Totally.
*There are too many people in the world that I miss. I wish that I could put all of those people on an island with me so that I could see them all the time.
*Christmas is a bittersweet time for me. On one hand, I love Christmas because I love all the decorations, the atmosphere, and being able to make people happy with the gifts I give them. But on the other, 9 days out 10 I can't control my depressions that tends to spiral out of control this time of year.
*If I had a million dollars that I could donate to charity, I would donate it to African AIDS and debt relief. One of the things that makes me absolutely batty is that more people don't CARE about what is happening to the people of Africa - or as I've taken to calling it, "You know, that big fucking land mass just south of Europe?" We can recite the weekend sports scores, we know what club Paris Hilton fell over drunk in last night, but we have no idea what is going on in Sudan. Open you eyes people!
*The fact that Little Miss Sunshine is almost out on DVD thrills me to absolutely no end. I can't wait to own that! Funniest. Movie. Ever.
*I carry a lot of hurt with me. I want to let go of the hurt, but I'm afraid that in order to let go I will have to let go of the person that put it there. And I'm trying so damn hard to keep him in my life. On nights like tonight (when I've drank enough to be honest with myself), I realize that it is a hugely one-sided relationship that hurts me more than it heals me. But I can't let him go - because it would be like letting myself go.
*When I finish writing my autobiography, it'll be titled it "Drowning Without Water" because that's how I feel most days of my life.
*The essential core of friendship for me is complete trust and honesty. Without those things, you have absolutely nothing.
*One thing I wish I could learn is how to let go. As I said before, I have this one relationship... 3 days a week I want it to work out and be better again, 3 days a week I wish I could move on, and 1 day a week I just want to cry because I don't know what I really truly want anymore.
*My son is my biggest accomplishment to date. Nothing I have ever done, and likely nothing I will ever do, can compare to having and raising my son. I know that every parent says this about their kids, but my son rules. Awesomest kid ever!
*Danny Bonaduce is my favorite train wreck. I totally DVR Breaking Bonaduce every week.
*I miss the ol' T.G.I.F. lineup from the old days. Full House at 8, Family Matters at 8:30, Step by Step at 9, and Hangin' with Mr. Cooper at 9:30. Good times, good times. Makes me wish I had a great reason to stay home on Fridays again!
*Although...American Idol will grace the television again next month...luckily, I'll be out of work, so I won't have anything in the way of all 12 nights a week that it's on.
*It's incredibly hard to come up with 100 amusing and/or insightful, yet random things. You should totally try it sometime.
*What is with drunk people and running up stairs? Um, hello? You aren't coordinated enough to walk on flat land, so what makes you think that running up a non-level surface is a great idea? It's happened at every wedding I've ever worked at the hotel, and my best friend used to do it, too. Strange, strange phenomena.
*Just because your wedding is in December, it doesn't mean you need to dress your bridesmaids up like Mrs. Claus. I call that "putting the 'ho' in holiday". Ya dig?
*If I hear one more person say, "This country was founded on Christian ideals - if you don't like it, leave" I will, in fact, be pushed over the homicidal ledge. This country was founded on RELIGIOUS FREEDOM. If YOU don't like THAT, perhaps you are the one that needs to leave. Sorry. Religion is not one size fits all.
*Sometimes I narrate my life in my head while I'm going about my day. British accent optional. I'm not kidding.
*I absolutely abhor cleaning the bathrooms. I'd rather do the laundry. Speaking of which...I looooove laundromats.
*There is no reason to wear sensible librarian shoes with a slutty dress. We aren't fooled by them. We saw the dress.
*My boss is evil. I swear to god he's in training to take over the head asshole position in hell. I'll give him credit, though, he's doing a hell of a job with that training. He is an EXCELLENT asshole.
*I could really use a piece of cake right now. Seeing all the leftover cake from the wedding here at work should be constituted as cruel and unusual punishment.
*Sometimes I wish that before your heart fell in love with someone it figured out a risk analysis. Would totally save a lot of people a lot of trouble. I guess it would take the randomness out of life, though.
*It's amusing to think that Jordan and I are carrying on a conversation through Myspace. Why is that amusing? Because he's just across the building in the kitchen. We could talk in person, but it's such a long walk, ya know?
*I want a cigarette, but it's -7 degrees out...I'm so not going out there. I'm glad that I am such a dedicated smoker. Marlboro is totally going to go bankrupt if I ever quit.
*I'm a total procrastinator. Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now. Who's with me on that one?
*I so can't wait to be unemployed. Spring semester will go by so much more smoothly. And I'll even still get paid a bit!
*I only have 2 days off between now and January 7th. I'm so excited about that, I'm bursting with fruit flavor. Can you tell?
*I am wildly in love with The Fray right now. Seriously. I should probably just go marry them.
*I finally saw my first episode of Grey's Anatomy. No really. I haven't had ABC in about 2 years, so I'd never seen it. It was pretty good.
*I STILL do not see the fascination with Patrick Dempsey. When did everyone start thinking that he was hot exactly? Again, he was the nerd in Can't Buy Me Love. HE ALWAYS WILL BE!
*What is with people either outing celebrities or forcing them to out themselves. It's none of anyone's business. Just because Doogie is gay doesn't mean he can't act.
*I think this year I might actually make some New Year's Resolutions. Stay tuned as to whether or not I actually keep any that I make.
*I love getting my house all decorated for holidays, but sometimes I feel like it isn't worth all the hassle. If I didn't have a kid, I probably wouldn't do nearly as much.
*I read voraciously. I have over 600 books at home, and those are just the ones I actually want to read more than once. This is why no one likes to help me move.
*I pretty sure I love it when my job makes sense and the people in the other departments do their part correctly. I'm still waiting for this to happen at least once so that I can confirm this theory.
*So I have to buy a Mac for school...I would really like to hang myself. Do they even make Oregon Trail anymore?
*Raiders = Super Bowl XLII Champions. It's our time, damn it!
*The fact that the man who kidnapped Elizabeth Smart and held her captive for 9 months has yet to be brought to justice infuriates the hell out of me. Make him take the medication he needs so that he can be declared fit to stand trial already. Shit.
*Money is the bane of my existance. I absolutely suck at all things financial. Matt's definitely in charge of that arena. I just need to be so rich that I don't need to worry about my checkbook balance.
*I categorically refuse to work in the food service industry ever, ever again. I spent the majority of my working years thus far in pizza, plus there was that Target Food Avenue/Taco Bell Express stint in there, and I just cannot do it any longer. I'll make an exception for a lucrative position as a Starbucks barista, though. Might as well subsidize the habit, eh?
*I loooove getting comments from my friends on Myspace. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and yes, I am aware of how big a dork that makes me sound.
*I'm still trying to figure out how it is that I get elected to solve everyone else's problems when I can't even solve my own. Apparently I rule at fixing other people. Too bad I can't seem to work any of that mojo on myself.
*I have absolutely no patience whatsoever. I find it to be highly overrated.
*I always manage to get the psychos and nutjobs at the hotel during my shifts. Like right now. So brilliant.
*Weird Al is so incredibly funny. Look no further than "White & Nerdy" or his "interview" with Kevin Federline. LOL It's good stuff I tell ya. You can see the interview on YouTube. Just search "weird al kevin federline". It's destined to be a classic!
*Alex makes working bearble. Since he's so far ahead of me on the whole time zone issue, I actually get to have him entertain me online for about half my shift. Provided he roll his arse out of bed at a reasonable hour and all...it's not like I pay him or anything.
*The best book ever in the whole world is "If You Give a Moose a Muffin" by Laura Joffe Numeroff. Yes, I'm aware that happens to be a children's book, but it still rules.
*Why does Tom insist on being everyone's friend? I don't know you, Tom, and I really don't want to. And come off it...do you really need 140,555,422 friends? I think not.
*Why must video game retailers always have to have such limited releases on new consoles? I really want a Wii, but there was no way in hell I was going to stand outside Target for 2 days in the snow in November in Montana. Why can't anyone ever release a system in, say, July?
*Vh1's bringing back the World Series of Pop Culture, only this time you can't enter online. And there isn't an audition place near me. I hate you Vh1. I hate you.
*I don't really hate you, Vh1. Really, I don't. I was just upset. You forgive me right? We're still on for another 100 Greatest Songs of the..., right?
*Did I mention how much I hate the fact that I have to buy a Mac? I did? Sorry. I'm obsessing just a bit. It does have a backlit keyboard with ambient light sensor and a built in webcam though...curse you Mac and your sleek functions! Why must you torment me so?!
*Hayley got to be in my favorite city yesterday, seeing two of my favorite attractions, eating at one of my favorite restaurants, and riding one of my favorite public transportation systems. I'd hate her, but she had to stay in Oakland. I think that makes us even.
*The best Punk'd ever was when they got Justin Timberlake. I laughed until I cried on that one. He called his mommy...classic!
*Perez Hilton has ceased to amuse me. It's not snarky anymore...he tends to cross the line to asshole lately. Oh well. I'll just ahve to come up with my own snark!
*I told Alex I wasn't going to make any more references to him, but what the hell: Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex. That will be all.
Sometimes you will sit and reflect on your life and realize that there is some sort of order to the cosmos. An order that will bring you just what you need, when you need it.
I wasn't looking for new friends when this boy sent me a IM to be friendly, but I figured, "Why not chat with him for a bit?". He always left encouraging comments on my Bodymod profile and mods. Even after we had chatted a few times, I still was like, "Nice boy, but I don't need more friends - especially not friends who are 8 years younger than I am."
Then my world started falling apart.
Within just a couple of weeks of beginning to chat with this boy, I was getting harassed at work by my superiors, I picked up a stalker, my depression spiraled out of control, my best friend tried to kill himself...I was a mess. And when the boy would come online to chat, I couldn't be assed to pretend that everything was okay. I laid it all out there so that he couldn't help but see that he was dealing with a fucking raging psycho with way too many issues. And you know what?
He stayed.
He didn't run away. He stayed and tried to help. Told me the things that I needed to hear, and not just what I wanted to hear. He gave me advice and said things that made me question if he was 8 years older than I was instead of the other way around. When I wanted to die because I couldn't untangle my mind and I couldn't stop the world around me from spinning out of control, he was there. He worked at the knots and gave me an anchor to hold me down. He didn't let me quit. He cared, and I believed him when he said it.
He became a friend.
Time marched on, and no matter what kind of messed up shit I threw at him, he was there. He made me smile, he made me come out of whatever funk I was in, he didn't take "Leave me alone" for an answer. The more we've talked and shared, the more I am grateful that he is in my life. Whenever I need a friend to talk to, he's there. No matter what. And recently, I realized it:
He had become a best friend.
I still have the best friend that you have all read about. But as you all have read about - that relationship has changed. Changed to the point where I can't always count on that friend to be there when I need them to be. As a Cancer, we are maternal by nature, but there is something about this boy that makes me fiercely protective. He's like the brother I always wanted and never got. If you have a beef with him, then you are going to have to go through me first. Of course, (since I'm ancient) he calls me Mamma, so that just makes me even more protective.
You may think it's bizarre to have a best friend that you have never properly met - I don't blame you. A little over a year ago I would have been right there with you. But somehow it is possible. I wasn't looking for him, but he found me anyways. I'm looking forward to the day when I finally get to meet him face to face, put my arms around him, and thank him in person for all that he's done. I don't know what I ever did to deserve him, but I'm glad as hell that I did it.
Thank you, Alex.
Mamma loves ya, kid.
| Your Christmas Song Is |
 Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas Have yourself a merry little Christmas, Let your heart be light From now on, Our troubles will be out of sight From baking cookies to giving gifts to everyone... You enjoy brightening up the season for those you know |
| You Are a Tree |
 You love every part of the holidays, down to the candy canes and stockings. And you're goofy enough to put a Christmas tree ornament on your tree! |
| Your Christmas is Most Like: A Very Brady Christmas |
 For you, it's all about sharing times with family. Even if you all get a bit cheesy at times. |
| You Are Socks! |
 Cozy and warm... but easily lost. You make a good puppet. |
| Your Elf Name Is... |
 |
| You Are a Bright Christmas Tree |
 For you, the holidays are all about fun and seasonal favorites. You are into all things Christmas, even if they're a little tacky. |
| Your Christmas Stocking Will Be Filled With Little Wrapped Presents |
 You've made Santa a very happy fellow this year. Don't worry - what happens at the North Pole stays at the North Pole! |
| You Were Mostly Nice This Year! |
 Sure, you had your naughty moments... but guess what? Santa was probably sleeping when you were living it up. As far as he's concerned, you've been on your best behavior. So cross your fingers, and you might score good presents. |
List ten things you want to say to people you know but you never will, for whatever reason. Don't say who they are. Use each person only once.
1. I'm not nearly as smart and good as you think I am. Everytime you say things like that to me, it just makes me feel even more inferior inside.
2. I went with you because you needed a ride, and I didn't want you to have to go through it alone. It doesn't mean that we're friends, and there is a reason why I've never called you since.
3. I know that I'm better than you, and I'm not ashamed of thinking that at all. I feel kinda bad about that.
4. I honestly don't think he's good enough for you.
5. I die a little more each time you don't answer your phone. Sometimes your voice is the only sound I want to hear, and I just want to feel that warmth and safety again. I want to feel whole.
6. I will never forgive you the ugly, spiteful things you said to me. If you weren't so important to him, I would kick the holy fucking shit out of you for saying them. Consider yourself on notice.
7. I'm still hurt over how you acted. It would have meant a lot for you to be there, and you totally bailed on me. It was something that only happens once and you blew me off for no good reason.
8. Don't patronize me. If you don't like my work, say so and tell me why. I can't grow as an artist when all you say is, "That's...nice."
9. I think you're narrow-minded, bigoted, and somewhat racist. That hurts me more than you know.
10. My tattoos and piercings don't make me a freak. Stop treating me differently because you know that I have them.
Recently, my dear friend Adam told me some devastating news. His 3 year old daughter, Indigo, was flown to Denver for emergency surgery to remove a stage 2 Wilms Tumor on her left kidney. The surgeons had to take her kidney, too, as it was destroyed by the tumor. As you can imagine the costs associated with cancer treatment are not cheap, and unfortunately, these costs will not be covered by Indigo's insurance. Right now, Adam and his wife Carri are looking at owing well over $200,000 to cover Indigo's treatments.
Right now, the Bodymod.org family is hosting a fundraiser to help cover the astronomical costs that this wonderful family is facing. I know that it is the holidays and that money is tight for everyone, but Indigo and her family need our help. Even if you could just spare $5, it would help. Think about it, $5 is a drink at Starbucks or this week's issue of People magazine. If you can donate please click on the "Help Indigo" banner at the top of this post or go to www.helpindigo.com. From there, you can read Indigo's story and donate via Paypal with your credit or debit card. If you would prefer to send a check or money order, you can either contact me or contact Bodymod.org's administrator Adam Callen (adam@bodymod.org) to find out how that can be done. 100% of all donations received will be given directly to Adam, Carri & Indigo.
We all have a special child in our lives, whether they are our child, a grandchild, a niece or nephew, or just someone special to us that we could not imagine living without. Please help us help Indigo.
It's been a rough week for me. It's the year anniversary of my best friend's suicide attempt. The year anniversary of our descent further into the abyss. On one hand, I can't believe it's been a whole year. On the other, I can't believe it's ONLY been a year. I feel like I've lived a thousand lives since that fateful day when my world turned upside down and shattered me.
The chronicle of my friendship with Tyson has been discussed ad nauseum here, so I won't rehash the entire ordeal. I just can't. It still hurts - a whole year later. I thought I had moved on. I thought that I had come to terms with everything that had happened.
I was wrong.
The realization of the anniversary hit me almost as hard as the moment my phone rang that day. I couldn't just note it and move on, either. I've been reliving the entire thing all week long. It's like a bad movie on loop. You want to look away but you can't. You want it to stop, but the projector is stuck on play and you can't move away. All week long, I see him suffering. All week long, I feel that helplessness. I've rehashed and rehashed like an athlete watching game film. What could I have done differently? Where did I fumble?
The hardest part of it all? Neither of us are okay yet. We're both struggling to keep our heads above water. And we're swimming with sharks. Sharks we don't understand and sharks we don't know how to chase away.
I'd love to say that our friendship is great at least...but it's not. We're still friends. We still love each other, but since he moved away, it's different. The circumstances of the past 5 months devastated me, and it's not something that I can overcome in an instant - in one evening together.
I wish I knew how to put us back together. I wish had the patience for that to happen naturally. But still...one year ago, the thing that I was most thankful for was the fact that he was still alive. One year later, it's still the same.
So Thanksgiving went pretty well this year. I had to work Wednesday night, which sucked since it meant I didn't get home until 8am Thursday, but bygones. I made everything from scratch this year (except the cranberries...I love me some canned cranberries! LOL), and it all turned out pretty good. In addition to the turkey, our menu included:
Sour Cream & Horseradish Mashed Potatoes
Sweet Sausage Stuffing
Green Bean Casserole
Cream Biscuits
Cranberries
Pumpkin Pie
Not too shabby. Of course, we watched football all day, too! While preparing dinner, I somehow managed to slice my finger open on a can. It was pretty sweet...bled for a half an hour, even with the whole direct pressure-hold it above your heart business. I probably should have had a stitch or 3 put in it, but where's the fun in that?
And, of course, I hit the day after Thanksgiving sales bright and early! I was at Wal-Mart by 5am. Go team! This year I only went to Wal-Mart, Staples, and Target. I was home by 7:30! I almost got into a scuffle at Staples when some guy attempted to steal one of my items I was in line to purchase, but I put him in his place rather quickly. No one messes with my bargains!!
I Am...
Sad, yet hopeful
Fiercely protective of my friends, one of whom is having a rough go this week
Grateful that my son is healthy
A woman who wants more out of life than the establishment is willing to give
I Want...
Someone to find a way to prevent childhood cancer
A reason to believe in a higher power
An evening with my best friend
A plane ticket to London for Friday. HUGE rave going down, and I SO want to be there.
I Love...
My little family, loving me unconditionally
My Alex, for knowing what to say...always.
My Tyson, for making me feel like I've done something worthwhile in my life
The feeling of freshly washed pajamas in front of the fire with a good book and a mug of hot peppermint schnapps-spiked cocoa
I Need...
A break from everything
A place where I can withdraw and find solace
Who are you, and what do you want, love, and need?
| Your Expression Number is 9 |
An idealist and humanitarian, you strive to make the world a better place. You do your best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion. Deep down, you dream of being loved by many. You are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. While you are very ambitious, you never lose site of perspective. You have an abundance of creative talents... you just need to tap into them. Although you are a giving person, you can become selfish if you are ignored. If you are not able to help people, you tend to shelf your talents. Without others, you become aloof and start to lack sensitivity. |
| Your Movie Buff Quotient: 74% |
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| You Are A Margarita Martini |
 You are a full on partier, with a good deal of sass and spunk. You're always friendly and welcoming - and very tolerant of obnoxious drunks. You should never: Drink and dance. The pictures will be everywhere the next morning! Your ideal party: Is loud, with good music and fun drinking games. Your drinking soulmates: Those with a Dirty Martini personality Your drinking rivals: Those with a Classic Martini personality |
| Your Vocabulary Score: A |
 Congratulations on your multifarious vocabulary! You must be quite an erudite person. |
| You Are 48% Politically Radical |
 You've got some radical viewpoints, but you aren't completely nuts. You're more of a visionary than a radical. |
| You Belong in San Francisco |
 You crave an eclectic, urban environment. You're half California, half NYC. You're open minded, tolerant, and secretly think you're the best. People may dismiss you as a hippie, but you're also progressive, interesting, and rich! |
| You Are The Hanging Man |
 You represent the seeking of enlightenment and spiritual clarity. You tend to confuse others, but your oddities seem deeply satisfying. Self sacrifice is easy for you, especially if it makes you a better person in the end. You are the type of person who is very in touch with your soul and inner spirit. Your fortune: Right now is a good time for reflection and meditation. You should stop resisting the problems in your life, and let yourself be vulnerable to them. You may need to sacrifice something important to you to move ahead in your life. Accept your destiny with courage, and learn to let go of what you think you need. |
Once upon a time there was a girl who saw the world as her oyster. She believed that she could and (more importantly) WOULD do everything she set her mind to do. By the time she was 8, she had made a list of how her life would pan out over the next 2 decades and vowed that she would watch the items on that list be ticked off one by one. Here is that list:
*High school valedictorian
*Harvard
*Graduate Harvard as valedictorian in 3 years
*Harvard Law School
*Graduate valedictorian
*Junior partner in big city law firm by 26
*Senior partner in said law firm by 30
That same girl wrote to Harvard for admissions requirements when she was 8. No harm in getting started early, right? No harm in setting goals, right? Maybe not, but for someone who isn't all that terribly stable between the ears it is. I'm sure all of you have already guessed that the little girl is me. And yes, all of that is true. Now here I am, 26, and nothing on that list has come to be.
I worked my ass off in high school, but thanks to Senora Arietta and her bullshit B+ in Spanish, I didn't make valedictorian. (That's not just sour grapes talking, statistically, my grade in her class should have been an A. If you average 110 and 80...you get 95. Thanks again...ho.)
I followed the Harvard path, but when I applied I was rejected outright. I had an SAT of 1260. Pretty damn good, if I did say so myself, but apparently the dumbest kid at Harvard has a 1350. It was suggested that perhaps I would be happier at an institution such as Brown. No really. They actually suggested I apply to Brown instead. Never mind all my other qualifications - one lousy number (which is a fucking good number, thankyouverymuch) shot down my Harvard dreams. The dreams that I had been working towards for the past 10 years. Thanks guys.
Right then and there, the rest of my list was nullified. Poof. Gone. Without Harvard, the rest of my vision was gone. Instead, I'm 26. No degree. No high paying job. Granted I do have good things in my life. My husband. My son. A handful of really wonderful friends. I mean, REALLY wonderful. But I still feel incomplete as a person. And I know it's that damn list I made nearly 20 years ago that's the problem.
So I say fuck it. It's time to forget about that damn list and move on. I'd say I'll create a new list, but I don't want to put that on myself again. Because if and when it doesn't happen, I don't want to feel like a failure again. But you know what? Not everyone needs goals. It really can be enough just to have an idea of where you want to go.
I have my ideas.
The 7 Deadly Sins
WRATH
Who did you last get angry with? ~ Tyson. Although, I'm not really angry with him...just hurt.
What do you get the most passionately angry about? ~ Since I'm stealing things, I'm totally stealing Amy's answer on this one because it's exactly what I was going to say, down to the letter! LOL You so rule, Amy! "I absolutely hate intolerance…I have no tolerance for it (which I suppose is intolerant…but whatever). My hot button issues are usually gay rights and racial issues."
Who has the ability to make you angry like none other? ~ Tyson, but again, it's not anger - it's hurt. I've told him a million and one times: he's both the easiest and the hardest person to love in the whole world.
Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? ~ Absolutely. Every fight I've been in save for one has been with a guy. And I'm currently undefeated. Never underestimate motivation and a bad attitude!
How about of the same sex? ~ I'm an equal opportunity sort of fighter.
Who was the last person that got really angry at you? ~ I dunno...probably Matt. I'm not the easiest person to live with.
Were they justified in their anger? ~ Yeah, probably. See above.
Have you ever been hurt but hid it behind anger? ~ For the most part, if I'm hurt you'll know it.
SLOTH
What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? ~ Go to the gym...I really need to be better about that.
What is the latest you've ever woken up? ~ I sleep weird hours since I work overnight shifts. So if I wake up at 6pm and I went to sleep at 9am, that's really not that late. That said, while I was sick not too long ago, I slept for 26 hours straight. :oP
Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: ~ For the most part, I've attempted contacting everyone I've been meaning to, but I haven't gotten to speak with them all yet.
What is the last lame excuse you've made? ~ I make lots of lame excuses. LOL In fact, I make so many I'm not even able to think of one at the moment to put down here for you all to giggle at!
Have you ever put off till tomorrow what you should do today? ~ Welcome to my world. Refreshments are on the table to your left.
When was the last time you got a good workout in? ~ This past weekend in Seattle. I walked everywhere carrying a 15 pound bag!
How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? ~ I didn't feel very well, so I didn't even bother setting the alarm. LOL Instead, I stayed in bed all day long.
GLUTTONY
What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? ~ Double amaretto mocha from the little coffee hut I pass on the way to school. So good. Don't even get me started on Starbucks! LOL I can drink there for days...
White meat or dark meat? ~ White meat. I so can't wait until Thanksgiving!
What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had at one time? ~ I stopped counting. LOL I do know that my record for shots in an hour is 13 shots of tequila. Tyson & I used to go and drink copious amounts of liquor. We rule.
Do you have an issue with your weight? ~ I don't have an issue with my weight. I have a subscription.
Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? ~ Mostly sweet foods, but I also get hankerings for spicy foods now and then.
Do you eat when you are sad, mad, or bored? ~ All of the above. Sadly.
LUST
How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? ~ A couple.
How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? ~ Only 1 completely, a handful partially. Surely you recall the joys of high school P.E.?
Have you wanted someone who was taken? ~ Yep. And it completely blows.
What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? ~ I love eyes and lips and arms. Mmmm... Nice. :oP
Have you ever had a one-night stand? ~ No
Have you ever really 'made love'? ~ Again, Amy said it best, so I'll steal this answer, too! "I will say yes, but can I just tell you how much I HATE THAT PHRASE????? I f-ing hate it. It's cheesy and weird and I hate it."
Have you ever had a kiss that almost felt better then sex due to emotions? ~ Yes
Have you had sex or fooled around in a public place? ~ Yeah :)
Have you ever worried about having an STD or being pregnant? ~ No
Have you ever slept with someone who you didn't care about at all? ~ No
Have you ever slept with someone whom you didn't know their name? ~ No
GREED
How many credit cards do you own? ~ Just one. Go me!
What's your guilty pleasure? ~ Celebrity news, cheesy MTV reality shows.
If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? ~ Pay off my debt, travel the world, make a college fund for Hunter
Would you rather be rich or famous? ~ Rich.
Would you rather be rich or in love? ~ In love.
Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? ~ I probably would, and tell myself that I would be happy. Then I'd realize that I am not and won't be happy so I'd quit.
Have you ever stolen anything? ~ Yeah.
PRIDE
What's the one thing you've done that you're most proud of? ~ Stopping my best friend from ending his life. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I was petrified that he would hate me for it.
What's the one thing you've done that your parents are most proud of? ~ Probably becoming a parent myself.
What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? ~ Contentment with myself. I have come to the realization that I may never love myself, hell...I may never even LIKE myself, but if I can just learn to be content with who and what I am, then eventually I can achieve some semblance of happiness.
Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? ~ Usually. It depends on how bad I wanted first place to begin with.
Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? ~ Yes.
What did you do today that you're proud of? ~ Nothing really. LOL I updated my iPod. That was pretty sweet.
ENVY
What item of your friend's would you most want to have for your own? ~ I honestly can't think of a single thing right now. Maybe I need more friends...LOL
If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? ~ Someone who is comfortable in their own skin.
Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? ~ Umm, yeah...a smaller ass, perhaps?
What trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? ~ Self-confidence.
Have you ever wanted your friends boyfriend or girlfriend? ~ No
Have you ever stolen your friends boyfriend or girlfriend? ~ No
So there's me, feeling sassy. LOL I took it for Alex, since I always make him take pictures for me to see and I categorically refuse to have my picture taken. So there I am in the standard hold the camera out and up Myspace style. Enjoy. You know you are!
But anyhoo.....enought of that.
Okay, here we go...what you came here for: Day 1 of Jen's 1st Solo Vacay! It's really an exercise of good news/bad news.
Good News:
The day started off great. Matt & I took Hunter to school, went out for a nice breakfast, and took a drive to see if we could find this herd of elk that keeps coming out of the mountains. We got to the airport, got me checked in and through security. The great thing about the Bozeman airport is it takes very little time to do all that. I showed up at 12:30-ish for a 1:45 flight, and I had about 50 minutes to kill after I got through security. So I had plenty of time to play Sudoku on my Nintendo DS while I waited. Then we got on the plane.
Bad News:
Now call me kooky, but a plane taking off should not look like a bunny rabbit. Once it's up it's up is my philosophy. Apparently, my pilot is not a member of that same school of thought. We got about, oh, 15 feet or so off the ground and then dropped allllll the way back down to the runway. Then we took off. Um? What the fuck was that? Everyone on board was a little nervous after that. It appeared to be let your 4 year old fly the plane day.
Good News:
We made good time in the air, though, and actually arrived in Seattle a bit early. I always love flying into Seattle because it's always so pretty. I could totally see myself living here one day. Awesome, awesome stuff.
Bad News:
Apparently, not only can our pilot not take off, but he cannot land, either. We go to land on the runway and if you picture skipping rocks on a pond....we were the rock. We bounced not 1, not 2, not even 3, but 5 TIMES BEFORE WE MANAGED TO KEEP 'ER ON THE GROUND. Sooooo less than amused.
Good News:
I go down to baggage claim, and my bags arrive in LESS THAN 5 MINUTES. Amazing! I'm never gotten my bags so quickly in my life. I even managed to find a luggage cart to assist me with my 2 suitcases and 2 carryons. Then I head over to the Thrifty Rental Car counter to get my prearranged for rental.
Bad News:
You knew that was coming, didn't you! When I get there, they inform me that they will need to authorize my credit card for $150, which is twice the amount of my rental. Hmmm, alright. So I present my Visa Check Card. Then I'm told since it's actually a debit card, it needs to be authorized for $250. Excuse me? Needless to say, I do not have $250 available to be authorized and held on my card. Then they tell me that the rental that I have a confirmation of as being $73.46 inclusive of all tax, charges, and gifts for the owner is actually going to be $114.85. Say it with me now: what the everloving fuck? Apparently there was some additional per day surcharge. I'm not sure I want to continue at this point. So I tell them I'll come back. I go to EVERY OTHER RENTAL COUNTER. Can't get a car for anywhere near that price, which I kinda knew would happen - this is why I went with Thrifty to begin with. Sigh. So now I need to figure out this authorization thing. I figure I'll just transfer enough money to cover the authorization out of savings for now then put it back later. To do this, I need the internet. SEA-TAC has wireless. Brilliant. So I pull out my laptop...it's $8 to use the internet. Excuse me? But what can I do? Nothing. I get that taken care of, go back to the rental counter, fill out the paperwork, get on the courtesy shuttle, and go get my car.
Good News:
I choose a compact car for price. I was afraid I would end up with one of those miniature mobiles that Chevy calls the Aveo. I drove one as a rental before, and I thought I was going to develop some anxiety disorder. Way too small. Lucky Jen, though, I ended up with the Nissan Sentra.
Bad News:
By now it's fairly dark, and it's raining holy buckets. I drive into downtown to see if I can't at least try to get some good night shots for my photo class. Yeah...NO. Did I mention it's also now RUSH HOUR? It is. Oy vey. I drive by Pike Place Market and the Space Needle, but can't find anywhere to park that's not a million dollars and it's raining monsoonally now. So I figure, oh well, I'll just head to Bellevue, since my dinner reservation is at 8:30 and I want to get settled in and shower at the hotel.
Good News:
I saw quite a bit of downtown Seattle and some of the different neighborhoods. The Space Needle looks AWESOME lit up at night. I can totally see myself living here someday. I think that Matt & I will have to come here sometime for a little vacation.
Bad News:
How did I come to see so much of Seattle? BECAUSE I WAS GIVEN REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BAD DIRECTIONS TO BELLEVUE! Directions that I followed to the letter then went "Um, where the hell am I?" So I had to stop for directions, but first I had to find a place that was open. Oy. I finally found a hair salon, and a lovely girl not only gave me GREAT directions that were so simple I was able to recite them off the top of my head while driving, she also drew me the most adorable little map. Thanks, hair salon girl! Jen arrives at SEA-TAC: 2:40. Jen arrives at her hotel in Bellevue: 7:30. Nice.
Good News:
My room rocks. The bed is amazingly comfortable, I have a balcony, I overlook the pool AND the courtyard, awesomeness. They even have robes in the room! I've never stayed somewhere that has that. Go me!
Bad News:
Since the Nazis have vacated Germany and taken positions with the Department of Homeland Security and the TSA, I couldn't bring a lighter or matches. I'm sure most of you had no clue, but there are 3 times in life when I reeeeally just want a cigarette:
1) I'm bar hopping
2) I'm playing pool
3) I'm extremely stressed/frustrated.
So here I am. Sitting in a smoking room. Cigarettes on the counter. No incindiary device other than my sparkling personality. Which is not lighting my cigarette. So I go down to the front desk, and ask for matches. There are NO matches in the entire hotel? Whaaaa....? But I don't have time to dwell because I need to get my happy arse in the shower so I can make it to dinner.
Good News:
The Melting Pot. If you have one near you, YOU MUST GO. It is so freaking awesome. I loooooove it. Way expensive, but I'll get to that in a minute. First we'll break it down for you.
For my main course, I chose the Fondue Feast and the Mojo cooking style. The Mojo cooking style was a Caribbean-influenced bouillon with orange & lime juices, chopped garlic, and cilantro. The Fondue Feast included: Filet Mignon Medallions, Porcini-rubbed Strip Sirloin, Breast of Chicken, Tuscan Herb Breast of Chicken, Black Tiger Shrimp, and Sun-dried Tomato Marscarpone Cheese Ravioli. The ravioli was striped! You can kind of see it in the picture: one's green striped, one's red striped. It also came with red potato wedges, broccoli, button mushroom caps, and zucchini. It's so much food! You just drop the meats/vegetables (which come to you raw) into the fondue pot and cook 'em for about 2 minutes. So good and so fun!
| Your Gluttony Quotient: 70% |
 Eating is not just a hobby for you - it's your life. And while your friends do appreciate your good taste in food, they're a little disgusted by how fast you shovel it down. |
| Your Greed Quotient: 45% |
 You are somewhat greedy, but your greed is probably a healthy motivator. Wanting nice things is normal, as long as it doesn't take over your life. |
| Your Sloth Quotient: 37% |
 You're a little lazy, but normally you're a very energetic and motivated person. Don't beat yourself up over a little laziness every now and then. You do need your downtime! |
| Your Wrath Quotient: 75% |
 Everyone around you pretty much fears your wrath... which is probably what you want. But just remember, there's a very thin line between fear and hate! |
| Your Lust Quotient: 76% |
 You are a very lustful person - and it sometimes gets the better of you! You know how to hold back, but you hardly ever do. |
| Your Envy Quotient: 32% |
 You are an occasionally envious person, but jealousy doesn't usually get the better of you. You're wise enough to know that envy feels horrible - and does nothing to improve your life. A little jealousy is normal: so go ahead and let yourself feel it. But don't let it bum you out! |
| Your Pride Quotient: 44% |
 You have your proud moments, but you're also likely to be a little ashamed of them. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's normal to want to make a stellar impression. |
