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I'm a 32 year old mother of 2 fantastic little boys, ages 5 and 10. I'm a retail lackey who dreams of running away to San Francisco where I'll live on my trust fund and take photographs of the city all day.

Currently Reading

  • Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

Movies You Should Check Out

  • Little Miss Sunshine
  • The Good Shepherd

Rocking My iPod This Week

  • Eminem
  • Hinder
  • The Fray

Categorically Speaking...

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Will That Be 1 Xanax or 2?

It's been a rough week for me. It's the year anniversary of my best friend's suicide attempt. The year anniversary of our descent further into the abyss. On one hand, I can't believe it's been a whole year. On the other, I can't believe it's ONLY been a year. I feel like I've lived a thousand lives since that fateful day when my world turned upside down and shattered me.

The chronicle of my friendship with Tyson has been discussed ad nauseum here, so I won't rehash the entire ordeal. I just can't. It still hurts - a whole year later. I thought I had moved on. I thought that I had come to terms with everything that had happened.

I was wrong.

The realization of the anniversary hit me almost as hard as the moment my phone rang that day. I couldn't just note it and move on, either. I've been reliving the entire thing all week long. It's like a bad movie on loop. You want to look away but you can't. You want it to stop, but the projector is stuck on play and you can't move away. All week long, I see him suffering. All week long, I feel that helplessness. I've rehashed and rehashed like an athlete watching game film. What could I have done differently? Where did I fumble?

The hardest part of it all? Neither of us are okay yet. We're both struggling to keep our heads above water. And we're swimming with sharks. Sharks we don't understand and sharks we don't know how to chase away.

I'd love to say that our friendship is great at least...but it's not. We're still friends. We still love each other, but since he moved away, it's different. The circumstances of the past 5 months devastated me, and it's not something that I can overcome in an instant - in one evening together.

I wish I knew how to put us back together. I wish had the patience for that to happen naturally. But year ago, the thing that I was most thankful for was the fact that he was still alive. One year later, it's still the same.

1 comment:

a m y said...

be will come, in time. and no, your relationship will not ever be the same, but it will be just as it's supposed to be.