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I'm a 32 year old mother of 2 fantastic little boys, ages 5 and 10. I'm a retail lackey who dreams of running away to San Francisco where I'll live on my trust fund and take photographs of the city all day.

Currently Reading

  • Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

Movies You Should Check Out

  • Little Miss Sunshine
  • The Good Shepherd

Rocking My iPod This Week

  • Eminem
  • Hinder
  • The Fray

Categorically Speaking...

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Over My Head

Why does life (at least in my world) have to be so 1 step forward and 12 steps back? One can never really get ahead in this fashion. Everytime that I resolve to myself that I can be okay without you in my world something happens to remind me that I am not. Something happens and Fate laughs a big hearty laugh nearly wetting his pants then bitchslaps me back into line. I had finally resolved in my head and my heart that I was going to move on. I'd be bitter, but I'd move on. And things would turn out okay.

What changed? I decided to carry a smaller purse today. I know what you're thinking: WTF does that have to do with anything? Well, the smaller purse I grabbed was the one I was carrying that last night we went out. Big damn deal right? That's what I thought. So I'm sitting here cleaning it out so I can put my wallet and such in it. And that's when I found it. The cocktail napkin you drew on. Do you remember it? Probably not. You were pretty drunk, having failed at your promise to slow down. We had just finished dancing and we sat back down at the table to have another round of Kamikazes. You stole the waitresses pen and started doodling on your napkin. I was busy singing along with the music. Then you handed me the napkin. On it you had drawn two stick figures with the words "You" and "Me" written over their heads. And it said "This is what best friends and soul mates look like...love always, T" below. In that moment I believed you. In that moment, my life was the best ever. I was having a great time with my best friend. It was almost time for us to leave, and I could go home to the best boyfriend in the world. I was on the top of the world.

Now I sit here, clutching this napkin in my hand, drowning in the flood of memories that came rushing over me. Choking on the doubt and sadness and fear that have a stranglehold on my throat. Do you still love me? Times like right now I really doubt you do...in fact, I begin to doubt that you ever did. And that's what hurts the most. I understand that you need to put the pieces together on your own. I think it's great. I do not, however, find it great the way you've gone about it since. The silence speaks volumes. Is it saying what you want it to say?

I thought I was okay. Now I'm back to square fucking one. I want you back in my life. I want you out of it completely. I wish I'd never met you. I wouldn't take a minute of our friendship back. I love you. I hate you. I need you here. I need you gone. You know...when you were in the hospital last fall, I told the doctor that they had to make sure that you were okay because you had my heart in that room, and if you weren't okay then I wouldn't ever be able to get it back. I guess I didn't get to have it back anyway. That kills me. It's a cruel joke. You taught me to open up and let people in - told me that not everyone was out to hurt me - that YOU wouldn't hurt me. Well...Guess what.


You. Lied.

New Music (Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray)



I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through

That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head

Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard

As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless

Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves


And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm in over...

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Totally Stolen from Cami's Blog! LOL

1. Tell Me Why your blog is named what it is.
Life - or Something Like It. I named my blog that because for me, my depression makes it hard for me sometimes to focus on what is good in life. Many times I feel like I am just going through the motions of living, so for me, every day is either Life or something like it.

2. Tell me one person you admire as a scrapper/artist and why.
Dawn! I wish I had just even as much talent as she has in her left pinky! Her scrapping totally rules my world. Besides, after being partners in a get to know you swap, I'm come to the decision that she must be my long lost twin or something! LOL No, we don't look alike, but we are so similar in taste that it borders in creepy! Hehehehe Even Matt said, "Oh god, there's two of you out there??!"

3. What is one thing you've never tried on a layout or project that you'd like to try?
Doodling. But I can't draw a lick and actually like it, so I'll probably just invest in some of those insanely cute doodle stamps Autumn Leaves just put out.

4. What is your favorite time of year to scrap and why?
I like to scrap all the time! Other than this summer, I typically am able to get more done in the summer since I'm out of school then.

5. List 2 other people's scrappy blogs that you enjoy reading and post a link to them!!
Ooooh, a toughie! I read tons of blogs everyday and I enjoy them all! I would say that I draw the most inspiration, though, from Dawn and Lindsey's blogs, though. I am so in awe of these ladies talent that I will probably bow down at their feet and worship them when/if I get to meet them! LOL
Dawn - [living as an artist]
Lindsey - Lindsey's Little Scrapbooking World

Friday, July 21, 2006

New Music 'Cuz I'm in a Wedding Mood! (Nothing Else Matters - Metallica)







Metallica - Nothing Else Matters


Provided by VideoCodes4U.com


So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No nothing else matters

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Be Grateful



So I've seen the link for this video on a number of different blogs now, but for some reason I did not watch it until now. Oh. My. God. That was so a bad idea to wait until I was at work to do that. Bawling like a baby is what I am now. And I'm looking UBER professional while I am doing so. It put so much into perspective for me. I may not have a lot, but I blessed to be free of major debilitating afflictions. There are days that my son might be out of control and I'm tearing my hair out, but like his father and I is blessed to be free of major debilitating afflictions, as well. Watching what lengths this father went to for his son, and seeing the affect he had on his son was nothing sort of awe-inspiring. He assists his son in participating in not only triathalons (including the Ironman), but half-marathons and other road races as well.

What the families of special needs children must have to go through and deal with on a daily basis...makes my son's abstinance from naps seem like nothing in the grand scheme of things. These families are true heroes. I just.... wow. I have so much running through my head that I can't even put the words onto the page.

In Honor of the Fact That My Wedding is EXACTLY One Month From Today!

Friday, July 14, 2006

Thursday Thirteen...On Friday Because I'm a Rebel Like That

Thirteen Songs That Jen Just Can't Bump Enough!


1. Holiday - Green Day
2. Tainted Love - Marilyn Manson
3. Who Knew - Pink
4. Shout at the Devil - Motley Crue
5. My Prerogative - Britney Spears
6. Dirty Little Secret - All-American Rejects
7. Cold - Crossfade
8. Hemmorage - Fuel
9. SOS - Rihanna
10. Hips Don't Lie - Shakira
11. I Want You To Want Me - Letters to Cleo
12. Bad Reputation - Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
13. Take Me Out - Rent

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!


Thursday, July 13, 2006

New Music (Holiday - Green Day)



Say, Hey!

Hear the sound of the falling rain
Coming down like an Armageddon flame (Hey!)
The shame
The ones who died without a name

Hear the dogs howling out of key
To a hymn called "Faith and Misery" (Hey!)
And bleed, the company lost the war today

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives
On holiday

Hear the drum pounding out of time
Another protestor has crossed the line (Hey!)
To find, the money's on the other side

Can I get another Amen? (Amen!)
There's a flag wrapped around a score of men (Hey!)
A gag, a plastic bag on a monument

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives
On holiday

(Hey!)
(Say, Hey!)

"The representative from California has the floor"

Zieg Heil to the president gasman
Bombs away is your punishment
Pulverize the Eiffel towers
Who criticize your government
Bang bang goes the broken glass and
Kill all the fags that don't agree
Trials by fire, setting fire
Is not a way that's meant for me
Just cause, just cause, because we're outlaws yeah!

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives
I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives

This is our lives on holiday

Someone Wake Me When It's Over.

Allow me to tell you a little story. Now normally I keep my political views to myself because I am usually on the other side of the proverbial fence from my friends and family, and I believe that everyone should be able to have their own viewpoint. Besides, trying to talk sense into my rabidly pro-Bush family is like trying to show someone with absolutely no pop culture accumen a picture of Michael Jackson and convince them he was once a black man. But I digress. Here's how I see the situation.

Back when our country's "leader" first ran for office, I was appalled. Positively appalled. I promised my Republican family that if hell froze over and he actually won the election, then I was renouncing my U.S. citizenship and moving to France. Well, we all see how that turned out. The cowboy "won" under rather dubious and (call me paranoid) nefarious conditions. I told Matt to pack his bags; he thought I was being funny. After said cowboy managed to buy himself a second term, I told Matt to sign the passport forms; again he thought I was being funny. I'm sorry. I'm not. I feel that America is worse off than it was when this whole farce began.

As of August 18th last year, the President had broken a record for the number of "vacation days" he had taken up until that point. He had more than 3 years left in office. If he keeps vacationing at the same rate, he will have spent the better part of two years of his presidency away from work. Where can I sign up for a job like this! Let's do the math: 2 presidential terms = 8 years. 2 years vacation / 8 years work = 25% time vacation from work. 25% x 1 year = 13 weeks. Average US worker vacation time = 2 weeks. Hmmm, so the president can spend our tax dollars by getting 6.5 times the amount of paid vacation as the average American worker. Yet his job is arguably 6.5 times (and then some) more important. Where can I sign up to make $400,000 a year AND get 13 weeks of paid vacation? I want that job. I can't even take 3 days of unpaid vacation at my job without promising to work overtime, donate a kidney, and sacrifice my second-born child. But then again, why should he care? Only 38% of Americans approve of the job he's doing. Of the 60% who diapprove, 40% of whom STRONGLY disapprove. Hmmm, wonder which category my vote counts in.

In the 5 or so years we've had this frat boy administration what have we managed to accomplish? Let's see here...we went from one of the better liked countries in the world to one of the most hated. We have alienated countries that in all intelligence we should be trying real hard to not piss off. Iran, anyone? North Korea? They may never have been allies per se, but they weren't actively working on nuclear contingency plans against us, either. Apparently daddy never taught little Georgie that "Yee haw!" is NOT a foreign policy. Now we are further alienating countries that are on the fence as to whether or not they are for us or against us. We are throwing around ultimatums that not only continue to give an anti-Muslim/anti-Middle Eastern appearance to our country, but essentially guarantees the need for US presence in the region indefinitely.

And while we are on the topic of the Middle Eatern conflict region, I'm still more than a little pissed about the circumstances into which we became involved. Namely being lied to. I honestly believe that our president entered office with every intention of "finishing" what his father started back in 1991. Then he was able to punch his golden ticket by playing on the paranoia and fear of the American public following the terrorist attacks of 9/11. The country by and large accepted the terms of our invasion of Iraq because of this fearful paranoia and the propaganda machine that our administration set into motion. The U.N. doesn't back us, the majority of the free world doesn't back us. So what do we do? We give the international community a big "FUCK YOU!" and charge in guns blazing like it's some crappy western on late night public access television. Oh yeah, and because France had the nerve to stand up and say, "Hey, let's think this over" all of a sudden we have to order our Big Macs with "freedom fries" and eat "we don't need you cowards toast" with bacon at breakfast or something equally assinine so that all of us good God-fearing Americans can avoid looking like we support the French in any way. WHATEVER.

Then of course, there is our brilliant attempts at domestic "reform". Again...WHATEVER. Apparently we are trying to marry church and state which is prohibited in the Constitution. But what is the Constitution? Just a piece of paper that the right-wing can flex to fit their needs. Just as the zealots do with the Bible. This Federal Marriage Ammendment movement is the biggest piece of discriminatory shit that I have ever seen. This alone makes me so ashamed to be an American. Are you opposed to gay people? Fine. Your opinion. Think it's a choice that they are making? I think that it's wrong, and I have the backing of modern science, but it's your opinion to have. However, to say that gay and lesbian couples do not have the right to marry is absurd, discriminatory, and (as far as I'm concerned) criminal. Why should we treat them as less than heterosexual people. What next a Constitutional ammendment banning interracial marriages? Hmmm. Probably. I mean really, if we make it okay for homosexual couples to marry legally does that mean that straight people are going to up and start being gay? Hardly.

Then of course there is the whole abortion issue. Another hot button where I just have to say, if you don't like it, then don't do it. Personally, I could not go through with having an abortion...but I am not going to make that decision for someone else. Keep your laws off my body. I think that it was said best in a New York Times editorial in January of 2003: "Running for the White House in the fall of 2000, George W. Bush did not talk about ending the right to abortion. To avoid scaring off moderate voters, he promoted a larger "reverence for life" agenda that also included adoption and tougher drunken driving laws. Voters were encouraged to believe that while Mr. Bush was anti-choice, he was not out to reverse Roe v. Wade. Yet two years into the Bush presidency, it is apparent that reversing or otherwise eviscerating the Supreme Court's momentous 1973 ruling that recognized a woman's fundamental right to make her own childbearing decisions is indeed Mr. Bush's mission. The lengthening string of anti-choice executive orders, regulations, legal briefs, legislative maneuvers and key appointments emanating from his administration suggests that undermining the reproductive freedom essential to women's health, privacy and equality is a major preoccupation of his administration second only, perhaps, to the war on terrorism."

Look, it's great if you do not believe in abortion, your religion doesn't believe in abortion, your dog doesn't believe...you get the picture. It comes back to the separation of church and state. I'm glad you have religion, but yours is not the only one out there. Some religions don't eat certain meats on certain days, but you don't see us pushing to federally mandate that everyone do it the same way.

Then of course, there's the No Child Left Behind act. Great theory, really it is. It is not feasible the way it's set up. I'm not even a teacher yet and it's giving me a fucking career-long migraine. I could go on for hours, but the major sticking point for me is the issue of funding. First of all, not all states can afford the necessary programs to meet NCLB requirements. Then if the a school is deemed failing their funding is cut - only it's most likely they are failing because they are a poor school without enough money, and now they are stuck in a vicious cycle. It's a great notion to have improvement every year - it's not reality. The fact that special education students and ESL students and other special needs students are included in these school totals does everyone a disservice. It's just a fact that there comes a point when a person "hits the ceiling" in their knowledge. Unfortunately, special ed students will hit that ceiling sooner than their peers. Case in point: my high school had a special education program that included students of a variety of disabilities from down syndrome to physical handicaps. Some of the students only had the mental capacity of grade school students, but they were still considered "seniors" or "juniors" or whatever grade level was age-appropriate. Now those students are EXPECTED to perform to their age-appropriate grade level, and when they don't it drags down the whole school's score. It doesn't help the student or the school.

Arrgh. I have to stop the rant now. I'm losing track of my arguments and it's giving me a headache. LOL If you don't agree with me, that's fine. I don't mean to alienate or piss anyone off. I just am about to explode with frustration is all!


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Wednesday, July 05, 2006

An Open Letter, Part 3/Goodbye

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that neither of us are big enough people to deal with this: I'm not big enough to get past my hurt, you're not big enough to deal with it head on. So I'm retreating into my castle now. The one you brought me out of and said I shouldn't hide. You taught me to trust and allow myself to be vulnerable, and it's left me broken inside. Maybe one day I'll be able to come out again. Maybe one day I'll be able to trust again. It's not that I'm letting you go: it's that I'm just trusting you enough to come back to me.

Love always,
Jen

PS - This song is for you, too, in case you couldn't tell. Ironic it would come out now, eh? I hope it punches you in the stomach like it did to me.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

New Music (Who Knew - Pink)



You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around

Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me

Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew


Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything


When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever

Who knew


Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again

Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened


If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew

My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you

My darling
Who knew
Who knew

Tired of Pretending

I am so tired of pretending that I am okay. This past 3 weeks have completely sapped me of happiness and joy. Most all of you know that I suffer from Major Recurrent Depressive Disorder. A insurance switch forced me to go off my meds back in January, so I've been trying to keep it in check by myself. Tyson has been a major component to my being able to keep the depression in check because he deals with these things, too, and understands how it works. What most all of you DON'T know is that as of 3 weeks ago, Tyson effectively removed himself from my life. He will not be walking me down the aisle at my wedding; in fact, he won't even be coming. He moved to Great Falls to live with his parents, and he won't ever be moving back to Bozeman. I can't really explain it because I don't understand it. I've had to try to read between the lines because he told me about all of this in an email.

Yup, you read that right. AN EMAIL. And not just any email, the world's most vague email. An email that leaves it up in the air as to whether or not we are even friends anymore. And when I replied to this news (point blank asking if this meant we were not friends any longer), I got another even vaguer email that left me with more questions than answers. So right now, I'm left to operate under the theory that he is out of my life forever. It's been 2 weeks since that 2nd email, and I have yet to hear from him in any capacity: no emails, no phone calls, not even so much as an email forward.

The part that hurts the most, though, is that he KNEW how much I would be hurt by the news. And worse still, he KNEW the way he broke it to me would devestate me. Of course, typical "worst case scenario" cancer, I have to wonder if that's why he did it that way. I mean, if you knew how badly something would hurt someone would you still do it? Or would you do it as a big "Fuck you" anyways? I'm left to wonder if everything that was said to me over the last 4 years was real or bullshit. Did he mean any of it? Was I really his best friend, and did he really love me as such? Or was it all an act? I hate this feeling. It taints all the good memories. Now when I think of those happy times it takes the knife that he drove through my heart and twists it harder and harder until I can't breathe. Remembering him is like a car crash right now...you don't want to look but you can't tear your eyes away. And once I start the memories, I can't shut them off.

Of the few people I have let know about the situation, just about all of them have said the same thing: "Maybe it's for the best." I'm sorry, best for whom exactly? Best for him? Maybe, if he wants to retreat from everything and everyone. If he wants to turn away from someone who was always there for them and only wanted what was the best for him. Best for me? Hardly. It's not the best thing for me to have a major component of my support system ripped out from under me, no warning, no explanation. And what about Hunter? How do I explain to him that his "Uncle Tyson" won't be coming around anymore? That we can't stop by his house to say hello? That if we call him, he won't answer? Someone please tell me how in the hell I can explain this to a 3 year old so that he can understand when I can't even explain it so that I understand it.

The only way I can really explain how I feel to anyone is this: Imagine that, say, your spouse says to you that they need to go away. Then they disappear. No explanation, no contact, no nothing. And everything was fine right before this happened: no fighting, no arguments, nothing. Would you be okay with that? Would you be able to say, "Well, maybe it's for the best"? No, you wouldn't. You'd feel like I do - lost, confused, and more than a little upset. I know that Tyson & I were not dating, or "in love", or anything of that nature, but he was/is my BEST FRIEND. Not like best friend, like I talk to him the most, but literally best friend. We went through some really heavy and rough times with each other.

So now I walk around with a big gaping hole in my heart and my life where Tyson used to be. I hope that he'll be back some day. I hope that this isn't the end. It sucks walking around faking that you are okay with something because that's what everyone wants you to do. Because if you don't, they will try to "fix" it by telling me that it's for the best. What they don't understand is that you don't want them to fix it - you just want them to say, "God that sucks, I'm sorry that's happening." You just want them to validate your feelings of loss, hurt, and anger. When you tell me it's "for the best", what you are really saying is that I shouldn't feel the way that I feel. That my feelings are not important.

Well I'm telling you now: I'm not okay with it. I will NEVER be okay with it until I get some sort of explanation to make me understand. Until then...you know the rest. And Tyson, if you are reading this, please...help me understand because you know what I'm thinking inside and you know what that can mean.