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I'm a 32 year old mother of 2 fantastic little boys, ages 5 and 10. I'm a retail lackey who dreams of running away to San Francisco where I'll live on my trust fund and take photographs of the city all day.

Currently Reading

  • Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

Movies You Should Check Out

  • Little Miss Sunshine
  • The Good Shepherd

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  • Eminem
  • Hinder
  • The Fray

Categorically Speaking...

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Tired of Pretending

I am so tired of pretending that I am okay. This past 3 weeks have completely sapped me of happiness and joy. Most all of you know that I suffer from Major Recurrent Depressive Disorder. A insurance switch forced me to go off my meds back in January, so I've been trying to keep it in check by myself. Tyson has been a major component to my being able to keep the depression in check because he deals with these things, too, and understands how it works. What most all of you DON'T know is that as of 3 weeks ago, Tyson effectively removed himself from my life. He will not be walking me down the aisle at my wedding; in fact, he won't even be coming. He moved to Great Falls to live with his parents, and he won't ever be moving back to Bozeman. I can't really explain it because I don't understand it. I've had to try to read between the lines because he told me about all of this in an email.

Yup, you read that right. AN EMAIL. And not just any email, the world's most vague email. An email that leaves it up in the air as to whether or not we are even friends anymore. And when I replied to this news (point blank asking if this meant we were not friends any longer), I got another even vaguer email that left me with more questions than answers. So right now, I'm left to operate under the theory that he is out of my life forever. It's been 2 weeks since that 2nd email, and I have yet to hear from him in any capacity: no emails, no phone calls, not even so much as an email forward.

The part that hurts the most, though, is that he KNEW how much I would be hurt by the news. And worse still, he KNEW the way he broke it to me would devestate me. Of course, typical "worst case scenario" cancer, I have to wonder if that's why he did it that way. I mean, if you knew how badly something would hurt someone would you still do it? Or would you do it as a big "Fuck you" anyways? I'm left to wonder if everything that was said to me over the last 4 years was real or bullshit. Did he mean any of it? Was I really his best friend, and did he really love me as such? Or was it all an act? I hate this feeling. It taints all the good memories. Now when I think of those happy times it takes the knife that he drove through my heart and twists it harder and harder until I can't breathe. Remembering him is like a car crash right now...you don't want to look but you can't tear your eyes away. And once I start the memories, I can't shut them off.

Of the few people I have let know about the situation, just about all of them have said the same thing: "Maybe it's for the best." I'm sorry, best for whom exactly? Best for him? Maybe, if he wants to retreat from everything and everyone. If he wants to turn away from someone who was always there for them and only wanted what was the best for him. Best for me? Hardly. It's not the best thing for me to have a major component of my support system ripped out from under me, no warning, no explanation. And what about Hunter? How do I explain to him that his "Uncle Tyson" won't be coming around anymore? That we can't stop by his house to say hello? That if we call him, he won't answer? Someone please tell me how in the hell I can explain this to a 3 year old so that he can understand when I can't even explain it so that I understand it.

The only way I can really explain how I feel to anyone is this: Imagine that, say, your spouse says to you that they need to go away. Then they disappear. No explanation, no contact, no nothing. And everything was fine right before this happened: no fighting, no arguments, nothing. Would you be okay with that? Would you be able to say, "Well, maybe it's for the best"? No, you wouldn't. You'd feel like I do - lost, confused, and more than a little upset. I know that Tyson & I were not dating, or "in love", or anything of that nature, but he was/is my BEST FRIEND. Not like best friend, like I talk to him the most, but literally best friend. We went through some really heavy and rough times with each other.

So now I walk around with a big gaping hole in my heart and my life where Tyson used to be. I hope that he'll be back some day. I hope that this isn't the end. It sucks walking around faking that you are okay with something because that's what everyone wants you to do. Because if you don't, they will try to "fix" it by telling me that it's for the best. What they don't understand is that you don't want them to fix it - you just want them to say, "God that sucks, I'm sorry that's happening." You just want them to validate your feelings of loss, hurt, and anger. When you tell me it's "for the best", what you are really saying is that I shouldn't feel the way that I feel. That my feelings are not important.

Well I'm telling you now: I'm not okay with it. I will NEVER be okay with it until I get some sort of explanation to make me understand. Until then...you know the rest. And Tyson, if you are reading this, please...help me understand because you know what I'm thinking inside and you know what that can mean.

6 comments:

Cami said...

(hugs)
here for ya Jen, you have the right not to be ok...you deserve your time, most of all you deserve answers but if you don't get them, ya know I'm here for ya

Tanya said...

What a kick in the face. I really hope you get some answers, Jen. Answers that might make this is little easier to live with. So sorry this happened. =(

Dawn said...

It's like losing a loved one...I too hope you get some answers soon. Big hugs, Jen.

Michelle said...

that does suck Jen.. no 2 ways about it. I hope that you get some answers as to why he's run away from you. He owes you something as his friend to at least look you in the face and say why. Maybe he's not capable of it now.. but maybe one day he will be. Maybe he thinks he needs to face whatever it is on his own and fix it. Maybe he doesn't want you to think you have to fix it for him.. I don't know. Just guessing.. but until he gives you an answer I don't know how you'd figure it out. Hang in thre and concentrate on the things in your life that do make you happy.

Shirley said...

Jen,

I had a friend who did something similar to stay out of my life. After a few years he told me that he was staying out of my life as much as possible because he still loved me and didn't want to interfere with my marriage. I'm not saying that this is why Tyson has done what he has done. It hurts that someone we thought was our best friend decides to drop out of our lives. I'll keep you, Hunter and Tyson in my prayers.

Scrappinfor3 said...

This is SO STRANGE. I'm an RN in labor & delivery & (I hope I'm not violating any confidentiality thing here) last evening my patient had a similar thing happen with the father of her not yet born baby. No fight, no indications, no nothing - just gone & she has no clue where he went & nobody will tell her. I didn't know what to say to her except for "that really is strange & I'm sorry." I'm thinking of you girl!
Jen B