Over My Head

Why does life (at least in my world) have to be so 1 step forward and 12 steps back? One can never really get ahead in this fashion. Everytime that I resolve to myself that I can be okay without you in my world something happens to remind me that I am not. Something happens and Fate laughs a big hearty laugh nearly wetting his pants then bitchslaps me back into line. I had finally resolved in my head and my heart that I was going to move on. I'd be bitter, but I'd move on. And things would turn out okay.

What changed? I decided to carry a smaller purse today. I know what you're thinking: WTF does that have to do with anything? Well, the smaller purse I grabbed was the one I was carrying that last night we went out. Big damn deal right? That's what I thought. So I'm sitting here cleaning it out so I can put my wallet and such in it. And that's when I found it. The cocktail napkin you drew on. Do you remember it? Probably not. You were pretty drunk, having failed at your promise to slow down. We had just finished dancing and we sat back down at the table to have another round of Kamikazes. You stole the waitresses pen and started doodling on your napkin. I was busy singing along with the music. Then you handed me the napkin. On it you had drawn two stick figures with the words "You" and "Me" written over their heads. And it said "This is what best friends and soul mates look like...love always, T" below. In that moment I believed you. In that moment, my life was the best ever. I was having a great time with my best friend. It was almost time for us to leave, and I could go home to the best boyfriend in the world. I was on the top of the world.

Now I sit here, clutching this napkin in my hand, drowning in the flood of memories that came rushing over me. Choking on the doubt and sadness and fear that have a stranglehold on my throat. Do you still love me? Times like right now I really doubt you do...in fact, I begin to doubt that you ever did. And that's what hurts the most. I understand that you need to put the pieces together on your own. I think it's great. I do not, however, find it great the way you've gone about it since. The silence speaks volumes. Is it saying what you want it to say?

I thought I was okay. Now I'm back to square fucking one. I want you back in my life. I want you out of it completely. I wish I'd never met you. I wouldn't take a minute of our friendship back. I love you. I hate you. I need you here. I need you gone. You know...when you were in the hospital last fall, I told the doctor that they had to make sure that you were okay because you had my heart in that room, and if you weren't okay then I wouldn't ever be able to get it back. I guess I didn't get to have it back anyway. That kills me. It's a cruel joke. You taught me to open up and let people in - told me that not everyone was out to hurt me - that YOU wouldn't hurt me. Well...Guess what.


You. Lied.