When You Least Expect It...

Sometimes you will sit and reflect on your life and realize that there is some sort of order to the cosmos. An order that will bring you just what you need, when you need it.

I wasn't looking for new friends when this boy sent me a IM to be friendly, but I figured, "Why not chat with him for a bit?". He always left encouraging comments on my Bodymod profile and mods. Even after we had chatted a few times, I still was like, "Nice boy, but I don't need more friends - especially not friends who are 8 years younger than I am."

Then my world started falling apart.

Within just a couple of weeks of beginning to chat with this boy, I was getting harassed at work by my superiors, I picked up a stalker, my depression spiraled out of control, my best friend tried to kill himself...I was a mess. And when the boy would come online to chat, I couldn't be assed to pretend that everything was okay. I laid it all out there so that he couldn't help but see that he was dealing with a fucking raging psycho with way too many issues. And you know what?

He stayed.

He didn't run away. He stayed and tried to help. Told me the things that I needed to hear, and not just what I wanted to hear. He gave me advice and said things that made me question if he was 8 years older than I was instead of the other way around. When I wanted to die because I couldn't untangle my mind and I couldn't stop the world around me from spinning out of control, he was there. He worked at the knots and gave me an anchor to hold me down. He didn't let me quit. He cared, and I believed him when he said it.

He became a friend.

Time marched on, and no matter what kind of messed up shit I threw at him, he was there. He made me smile, he made me come out of whatever funk I was in, he didn't take "Leave me alone" for an answer. The more we've talked and shared, the more I am grateful that he is in my life. Whenever I need a friend to talk to, he's there. No matter what. And recently, I realized it:

He had become a best friend.

I still have the best friend that you have all read about. But as you all have read about - that relationship has changed. Changed to the point where I can't always count on that friend to be there when I need them to be. As a Cancer, we are maternal by nature, but there is something about this boy that makes me fiercely protective. He's like the brother I always wanted and never got. If you have a beef with him, then you are going to have to go through me first. Of course, (since I'm ancient) he calls me Mamma, so that just makes me even more protective.

You may think it's bizarre to have a best friend that you have never properly met - I don't blame you. A little over a year ago I would have been right there with you. But somehow it is possible. I wasn't looking for him, but he found me anyways. I'm looking forward to the day when I finally get to meet him face to face, put my arms around him, and thank him in person for all that he's done. I don't know what I ever did to deserve him, but I'm glad as hell that I did it.

Thank you, Alex.

Mamma loves ya, kid.

Please Help

Recently, my dear friend Adam told me some devastating news. His 3 year old daughter, Indigo, was flown to Denver for emergency surgery to remove a stage 2 Wilms Tumor on her left kidney. The surgeons had to take her kidney, too, as it was destroyed by the tumor. As you can imagine the costs associated with cancer treatment are not cheap, and unfortunately, these costs will not be covered by Indigo's insurance. Right now, Adam and his wife Carri are looking at owing well over $200,000 to cover Indigo's treatments.

Right now, the Bodymod.org family is hosting a fundraiser to help cover the astronomical costs that this wonderful family is facing. I know that it is the holidays and that money is tight for everyone, but Indigo and her family need our help. Even if you could just spare $5, it would help. Think about it, $5 is a drink at Starbucks or this week's issue of People magazine. If you can donate please click on the "Help Indigo" banner at the top of this post or go to www.helpindigo.com. From there, you can read Indigo's story and donate via Paypal with your credit or debit card. If you would prefer to send a check or money order, you can either contact me or contact Bodymod.org's administrator Adam Callen (adam@bodymod.org) to find out how that can be done. 100% of all donations received will be given directly to Adam, Carri & Indigo.

We all have a special child in our lives, whether they are our child, a grandchild, a niece or nephew, or just someone special to us that we could not imagine living without. Please help us help Indigo.

Will That Be 1 Xanax or 2?

It's been a rough week for me. It's the year anniversary of my best friend's suicide attempt. The year anniversary of our descent further into the abyss. On one hand, I can't believe it's been a whole year. On the other, I can't believe it's ONLY been a year. I feel like I've lived a thousand lives since that fateful day when my world turned upside down and shattered me.

The chronicle of my friendship with Tyson has been discussed ad nauseum here, so I won't rehash the entire ordeal. I just can't. It still hurts - a whole year later. I thought I had moved on. I thought that I had come to terms with everything that had happened.

I was wrong.

The realization of the anniversary hit me almost as hard as the moment my phone rang that day. I couldn't just note it and move on, either. I've been reliving the entire thing all week long. It's like a bad movie on loop. You want to look away but you can't. You want it to stop, but the projector is stuck on play and you can't move away. All week long, I see him suffering. All week long, I feel that helplessness. I've rehashed and rehashed like an athlete watching game film. What could I have done differently? Where did I fumble?

The hardest part of it all? Neither of us are okay yet. We're both struggling to keep our heads above water. And we're swimming with sharks. Sharks we don't understand and sharks we don't know how to chase away.

I'd love to say that our friendship is great at least...but it's not. We're still friends. We still love each other, but since he moved away, it's different. The circumstances of the past 5 months devastated me, and it's not something that I can overcome in an instant - in one evening together.

I wish I knew how to put us back together. I wish had the patience for that to happen naturally. But still...one year ago, the thing that I was most thankful for was the fact that he was still alive. One year later, it's still the same.

Finally...

So I've tried to write this post for about 5 days now. It's been really hard. Instead, I've been taking the easy way out. Most people know that the music I post is usually directly correlated to things that are going on in my world or to things that I'm feeling. I'm guessing that even without my commentary that most people would assume where I was going with the last song knowing what happened about 2 weeks ago and how everyone felt about it, but I feel the need to say something.

To start, I understand why people are concerned. Given all that has happened over the past year with Tyson & I, it's completely understandable. That said. Please don't make me feel bad for taking him back. He is not just some random person that hurt me and left. He is my BEST FRIEND. I was devastated when he left. I was devastated while he was gone. I was devastated when he showed up seemingly out of the blue. But I'm not taking him back just because of my devastation. I'm not doing it just to make me feel better. My eyes are open.

When we met up, I told him what it was like for me to have him leave how he did. How it felt to not understand. And he apologized. He felt terrible for hurting me, even though he didn't know that he did until that moment. He promised that he would never hurt me again. And I believe him. We're building our relationship back again. And I need that. I need him.

So, I appreciate your concern for me. I really do. Please, please understand that. But please also understand where I'm coming from, too. There is a piece of my heart that stays with him. No matter what has happened, that piece has always stayed with him. It is a piece that I will never get back - we've shared too much, gone through too much, meant too much. I have forgiven him. I'm working through the hurt with his input.

And that is how I need it to be.

What a Difference a Few Hours Make

I came downstairs yesterday after my shower and began to gather my things that I needed for my photo shoot, since I was taking Hayley's family Christmas portraits on location 20 miles away from the house and I didn't want to forget anything. Now before I had gotten in the shower, I called Matt's cell, but he didn't answer. So when I picked up my cell phone to put it in my purse and I noticed there was a missed call, I wasn't surprised. I just assumed that Matt had called. But when I hit "View", it came back "Tyson Cell".

Ummmm, what the fuck? That has to be some weird system glich. That can't be who called me. So I exited out of that screen, only to be told that I had a new text message. I went to view that...only to see that the text was from "Tyson Cell".

WTF?!?!?! When I pulled up the message it said, "Heya Jen - Tyson" Whaaaa?

Let's recap. Last phone conversation: May 7th. Last email conversation: July 6th. And now just randomly Tyson wants to talk? I was dumbfounded. Literally dumbfounded. I actually stared at my phone for 10 minutes. I respond to the text message with a basic, "Hey T, how goes it?" I then drove to the spot where Hayley & I were meeting to drive up to the picture spot. I was having so much trouble wrapping my head around the concept that Tyson had actually tried to contact me that I called Hayley while I was driving. She, too, was dumbfounded - for once in her life she was actually speechless!

So when I finally park to wait for Hayley, I look a little more closely at my phone. Turns out the messages were from Friday night, and I didn't hear them because I forgot to take my phone of silent after class. He texted me, then 5 minutes later he called. So I called him back and left him a brief voice mail. What in the world was going on? And I couldn't help it. I sat in that church parking lot and started to cry. I had finally come to accept that we must not be friends anymore, and then all of a sudden he's back in my life?

I took the pictures (which turned out well, thanks!) and went home. That's when I put the new music on my blog. It pretty much summed up how I felt. I didn't forsee hearing back from Tyson because I didn't want to let myself get my hopes up. I didn't want to get hurt. Anyone who knows me, knows I don't do hurt very well. And whether he meant to or not, Tyson had hurt me enough to last a lifetime. So Matt & I are sitting on the couch playing a video game when I hear my phone beep that I have a new text message. I got up to see what it was, and it was Tyson again - and he wanted to hang out. Turned out that he was in town for work. I was torn. I wanted so bad to see him, but I was so afraid that somehow I would end up hurt by it. I talked to Matt, and while he didn't like it, he agreed that I needed to go.

So I went. At first it was kinda awkward. Like we had just met. By the end of the night, though, it was like we'd never been apart. I've missed hanging out with him. I didn't realize just how much until I was there with him. I won't go into detail about our night because it was just for him & me. I think we are on the road to healing, though. I hope we are. Everyone I know has had an opinion on my meeting up with Tyson, though, and none of them were very good. From the mild (just be careful) to the vehement (I will beat him up if he hurts you again), I was the only one who thought this could be a good thing. Still am. And I'm scared. Because as much as he doesn't want to hurt me, I'm afraid that he might.

And I've left myself wide open to it.

Please don't, T.

For the Record...

You need to get out of my head. No. Really. Leave.

Over My Head

Why does life (at least in my world) have to be so 1 step forward and 12 steps back? One can never really get ahead in this fashion. Everytime that I resolve to myself that I can be okay without you in my world something happens to remind me that I am not. Something happens and Fate laughs a big hearty laugh nearly wetting his pants then bitchslaps me back into line. I had finally resolved in my head and my heart that I was going to move on. I'd be bitter, but I'd move on. And things would turn out okay.

What changed? I decided to carry a smaller purse today. I know what you're thinking: WTF does that have to do with anything? Well, the smaller purse I grabbed was the one I was carrying that last night we went out. Big damn deal right? That's what I thought. So I'm sitting here cleaning it out so I can put my wallet and such in it. And that's when I found it. The cocktail napkin you drew on. Do you remember it? Probably not. You were pretty drunk, having failed at your promise to slow down. We had just finished dancing and we sat back down at the table to have another round of Kamikazes. You stole the waitresses pen and started doodling on your napkin. I was busy singing along with the music. Then you handed me the napkin. On it you had drawn two stick figures with the words "You" and "Me" written over their heads. And it said "This is what best friends and soul mates look like...love always, T" below. In that moment I believed you. In that moment, my life was the best ever. I was having a great time with my best friend. It was almost time for us to leave, and I could go home to the best boyfriend in the world. I was on the top of the world.

Now I sit here, clutching this napkin in my hand, drowning in the flood of memories that came rushing over me. Choking on the doubt and sadness and fear that have a stranglehold on my throat. Do you still love me? Times like right now I really doubt you do...in fact, I begin to doubt that you ever did. And that's what hurts the most. I understand that you need to put the pieces together on your own. I think it's great. I do not, however, find it great the way you've gone about it since. The silence speaks volumes. Is it saying what you want it to say?

I thought I was okay. Now I'm back to square fucking one. I want you back in my life. I want you out of it completely. I wish I'd never met you. I wouldn't take a minute of our friendship back. I love you. I hate you. I need you here. I need you gone. You know...when you were in the hospital last fall, I told the doctor that they had to make sure that you were okay because you had my heart in that room, and if you weren't okay then I wouldn't ever be able to get it back. I guess I didn't get to have it back anyway. That kills me. It's a cruel joke. You taught me to open up and let people in - told me that not everyone was out to hurt me - that YOU wouldn't hurt me. Well...Guess what.


You. Lied.

An Open Letter, Part 3/Goodbye

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that neither of us are big enough people to deal with this: I'm not big enough to get past my hurt, you're not big enough to deal with it head on. So I'm retreating into my castle now. The one you brought me out of and said I shouldn't hide. You taught me to trust and allow myself to be vulnerable, and it's left me broken inside. Maybe one day I'll be able to come out again. Maybe one day I'll be able to trust again. It's not that I'm letting you go: it's that I'm just trusting you enough to come back to me.

Love always,
Jen

PS - This song is for you, too, in case you couldn't tell. Ironic it would come out now, eh? I hope it punches you in the stomach like it did to me.

Tired of Pretending

I am so tired of pretending that I am okay. This past 3 weeks have completely sapped me of happiness and joy. Most all of you know that I suffer from Major Recurrent Depressive Disorder. A insurance switch forced me to go off my meds back in January, so I've been trying to keep it in check by myself. Tyson has been a major component to my being able to keep the depression in check because he deals with these things, too, and understands how it works. What most all of you DON'T know is that as of 3 weeks ago, Tyson effectively removed himself from my life. He will not be walking me down the aisle at my wedding; in fact, he won't even be coming. He moved to Great Falls to live with his parents, and he won't ever be moving back to Bozeman. I can't really explain it because I don't understand it. I've had to try to read between the lines because he told me about all of this in an email.

Yup, you read that right. AN EMAIL. And not just any email, the world's most vague email. An email that leaves it up in the air as to whether or not we are even friends anymore. And when I replied to this news (point blank asking if this meant we were not friends any longer), I got another even vaguer email that left me with more questions than answers. So right now, I'm left to operate under the theory that he is out of my life forever. It's been 2 weeks since that 2nd email, and I have yet to hear from him in any capacity: no emails, no phone calls, not even so much as an email forward.

The part that hurts the most, though, is that he KNEW how much I would be hurt by the news. And worse still, he KNEW the way he broke it to me would devestate me. Of course, typical "worst case scenario" cancer, I have to wonder if that's why he did it that way. I mean, if you knew how badly something would hurt someone would you still do it? Or would you do it as a big "Fuck you" anyways? I'm left to wonder if everything that was said to me over the last 4 years was real or bullshit. Did he mean any of it? Was I really his best friend, and did he really love me as such? Or was it all an act? I hate this feeling. It taints all the good memories. Now when I think of those happy times it takes the knife that he drove through my heart and twists it harder and harder until I can't breathe. Remembering him is like a car crash right now...you don't want to look but you can't tear your eyes away. And once I start the memories, I can't shut them off.

Of the few people I have let know about the situation, just about all of them have said the same thing: "Maybe it's for the best." I'm sorry, best for whom exactly? Best for him? Maybe, if he wants to retreat from everything and everyone. If he wants to turn away from someone who was always there for them and only wanted what was the best for him. Best for me? Hardly. It's not the best thing for me to have a major component of my support system ripped out from under me, no warning, no explanation. And what about Hunter? How do I explain to him that his "Uncle Tyson" won't be coming around anymore? That we can't stop by his house to say hello? That if we call him, he won't answer? Someone please tell me how in the hell I can explain this to a 3 year old so that he can understand when I can't even explain it so that I understand it.

The only way I can really explain how I feel to anyone is this: Imagine that, say, your spouse says to you that they need to go away. Then they disappear. No explanation, no contact, no nothing. And everything was fine right before this happened: no fighting, no arguments, nothing. Would you be okay with that? Would you be able to say, "Well, maybe it's for the best"? No, you wouldn't. You'd feel like I do - lost, confused, and more than a little upset. I know that Tyson & I were not dating, or "in love", or anything of that nature, but he was/is my BEST FRIEND. Not like best friend, like I talk to him the most, but literally best friend. We went through some really heavy and rough times with each other.

So now I walk around with a big gaping hole in my heart and my life where Tyson used to be. I hope that he'll be back some day. I hope that this isn't the end. It sucks walking around faking that you are okay with something because that's what everyone wants you to do. Because if you don't, they will try to "fix" it by telling me that it's for the best. What they don't understand is that you don't want them to fix it - you just want them to say, "God that sucks, I'm sorry that's happening." You just want them to validate your feelings of loss, hurt, and anger. When you tell me it's "for the best", what you are really saying is that I shouldn't feel the way that I feel. That my feelings are not important.

Well I'm telling you now: I'm not okay with it. I will NEVER be okay with it until I get some sort of explanation to make me understand. Until then...you know the rest. And Tyson, if you are reading this, please...help me understand because you know what I'm thinking inside and you know what that can mean.

An Open Letter, Part 2...

So now I know. I don't understand, I don't know why, but I know. If I don't know the why or understand, what do I know, you ask? I'll tell you.

I know what it's like to have your heart ripped out of your chest while it's still beating. I know what it's like to feel like all the wind has been knocked out of you and the room around you is going all warm and dark. I know what it's like to question every word, every thought, and every action that has come from a loved one in the past. I know what it's like to spend the majority of your day wondering at what point things changed. I know what it's like to wake up in a cold sweat only to realize that the nightmare isn't just in your dreams - it's your LIFE.

I know that I hurt...and that you no longer appear to care.

An Open Letter...

My dear Velveteen Rabbit,

I hope you realize that this song is for you. I hope you realize that what is happening now is fucking with my head. I hope you realize that you are tearing me apart. What happened to all the things that we said to each other? Did you mean them? I sure as hell meant it - every damn word. If you meant even just half, I can't believe that you would be acting this way.

37 days. 37 GODDAMN DAYS and 2 DOZEN voice mails. Are you that busy? Too busy for me? After all that we have been through, after all the shit that has gone down, you can't take even just 1 minute to make my phone ring? 1 minute to hit send on a "Really busy right now, but hope we can talk soon" email? Has everything come down to this? And why? For what? I have no idea why things are this way. I keep throwing balls in your court, but none ever seem to come back to me. We were doing so great, and now I've been torn down to a low I haven't been to in months. Since before the day I thought I was watching my world crash down around me. You know better than anyone how tiring it is to make everyone believe that you are fine even when you are in a full fucking freefall. There is a giant void in my soul right now...taking up the place that you filled. I'm freefalling into that void, and I've tried 24 times to pull the ripcord on my parachute, but it just won't open for me. You know, you can only try pulling the ripcord so many times before you eventually hit the ground, chute unopened. Are we going to find out the hard way how many times that is?

And the part that kills me? I still love you and think the world of you. Nothing will ever change that. You always have been, and always will be, both the easiest and hardest person to love. I just need you to be around. What happened to the person that said they wanted to get things straight so that they could be a reliable friend to me? The one who held my door open for me and escorted me across nighttime streets because they said that was how I deserved to be treated? I need that person back. Please come back.

Love always,

The one who got left behind